What we give our kids

Being blessed financially allows parents to do some neat things with and for their kids and provides some great advantages. However, financial wealth also brings complexity and unique risks. It is hard to walk the fine line between using our money to bless our kids and overdoing it such that our financial blessing starts to become a curse. If you’re worried your kids might not develop a strong work ethic and become entitled or perpetually dependent, here are three ways to minimize this risk:

1. Give the gift of struggle

Achieving success in any field is very difficult. Usually, we have some scars from the tough days that got us there and in our desire to help our kids have better lives than our own, we try to protect them from the hardships we faced. However, what we are doing is preventing them from the struggles that were critical in our development. It’s hard to watch others struggle, especially our kids, but much of the time the struggle is required for them to learn and to reach their potential. When have you learned and grown the most – in tough times or in easier times?

Better yet, think of it this way: I have a great recipe for BBQ ribs that always brings compliments. After prep, the ribs sit in the fridge overnight covered in the rub. Once the smoker is ready, the ribs take six hours of low, slow cooking. I expect there is a recipe for microwave ribs that, start to finish, likely only takes 30 minutes tops. I’m not interested in a quick, barely edible meal. I want a feast! The ribs need time and a challenging environment to bring them to their best. Ironically, the people I most often make these ribs for are my kids. 

We love to bless our kids and we do so in many ways, but sometimes we need to let our kids experience struggles. If we want them to reach their full potential, sometimes we have to make the more difficult choice and not step in. Typically, I think back to when Kathy and I faced a similar struggle at a similar stage, made it through and are better for it. They will as well. I’m more concerned about who they will become in 10 or 20 years. If I want them to have the gratification of reaching the top of their game, I need to give them the gift of struggle.

2. Determine How Much is Enough

Most wills simply spread the parents’ assets among their children without regard to the impact. Instead, parents should ask: how much do my kids need? Typically, parents want to help children with a house purchase, help pay off the child’s mortgage, help to fund grandchildren’s education, etc. Listing these objectives and putting a price tag on each allows parents to quantify an optimal inheritance for their children. After children have been blessed, it makes sense to consider other worthy causes. These gifts are emotionally rewarding, but they also reduce the income tax for the estate, so it’s a double win! 

3. Love is Spelled T-I-M-E

Earlier I spoke about the personal cost for our career or financial success. There is usually a relational cost that we pay too. Unfortunately, our family members had no choice but to pay that price as well. It’s not uncommon for someone to have acquired significant financial currency, but have low relational currency with their kids because there were limited deposits (time and energy) made in that account. If you find yourself in this situation, it’s possible to make your future different than your past. This will take time to correct and often requires professional help, but the result will be worth the hard work and challenges required to enjoy relational success.

Regardless of where you are in this journey, here’s an easy next step. If you have kids at home, be intentional tonight about spending time with them. If you have an empty nest, give your kids a call on your way home.