Ties that bind – and wound

Thinking about ties that bind usually elicits warm feelings or perhaps sad, nostalgic memories of a loved one. Why did the request to write on this theme bring up feelings of anger and pain for me? Because the ties that bind can also hurt, leaving deep wounds. That seems all too common in my world right now.

The unheeded epidemic

Intimate partner violence, for example, is a tie that binds and wounds, often with life-long scars. The term is used to describe various forms of coercive control of another person in an intimate relationship. Several cities and rural counties have declared epidemics of intimate partner violence, which increased during the covid years. The declarations often follow a tragedy, such as the murder of three women by one man in Renfrew County, Ontario. Many families grew stronger during the lockdowns, but some turned abusive. Intimate partner violence meets the criteria for an epidemic because of its high prevalence and multiplier effects on other people and communities. I see the long-term effects in my work for children’s rights. Research now shows that witnessing violence between loved ones can alter a child’s mind-body connections in ways that affect them for life and are difficult to repair.

The anger comes because the response so far is far less than when the flu, TB, covid, or ebola are declared epidemics. Tragedies lead to repeated calls for prevention, but little changes – and then there is another tragedy. After Canada’s worst mass murder in Nova Scotia, the Mass Casualty Commission issued a report with a strong chapter on intimate partner violence, because that is how everything started. It could have been prevented. I hope the recommendations in that chapter will not be shelved, like so many other well-documented calls to action. One reason given for lack of action is a reluctance to intervene in family life – ties that bind. That makes me angry.

Spiritual violence

Church communities are another place where ties that bind also hurt. In the world of Christian Reformed churches, a recent survey of the impacts of decisions made by Synod 2022 reveals deep pain and conflict within close communities. The findings, compiled by the Hesed Project CRC, convey real-life impacts: the pain of parents when children leave the home church because it rejects them or others they love; family bonds strained or broken; and separations between people who have worked together closely for decades. When Scripture texts are used as weapons to harm others, some call it spiritual violence. Like intimate partner violence, this kind of violence in close-knit communities does not heal quickly. Sometimes it never does. The close ties amplify its destructive nature.

When will it stop?

The failure to consider the impacts of church decisions in advance and take steps to prevent spiritual violence makes me angry. As does the failure to stop intimate partner violence that has adverse effects on so many children. In both contexts it is not the case that we do not know the harm or what could prevent it. We know the harm; we know how to stop it. And yet, it keeps happening again. That leaves me angry and sad. I think God may be also.