A life transformed

Kyla Gillespie’s just-released memoir, TransFormed, tells the story of growing up in Nanaimo, B.C. as a girl who never felt at home in her body. Her story includes playing professional women’s hockey in the early 2000s, alcohol addiction, same-sex attraction and relationship breakdowns. Starting in 2011, Gillespie officially changed her name to Brycen and began transitioning to life as a man. In 2017, after passing as a man for years, Gillespie decided to de-transition and become Kyla again. She credits her church in Port Coquitlam, B.C. and the friends she encountered there for introducing her to a God who truly loves her. Christian Courier asked Kyla to share a bit about her journey, faith and advice for other Christians.

Meghan Kort: When you wrote TransFormed, did you have an ideal reader in mind?

Kyla Gillespie: For me, the vision was to reach anyone and everyone. Then, to bring the lens in a bit more, it was for that unbeliever, the person who’s wrestling and struggling with their sexuality and identity and hasn’t met Jesus yet. Then it was for the parent, the grandparent, the leader and the Church. We don’t have to throw away the truth of God, we can actually embrace it – it’s life-giving – and we can have these conversations with grace and truth.

Kort: I love how Psalm 139 is a throughline in your book. What does it mean to you today?

Gillespie: It’s always near to my heart. No matter what I think or feel, God has said that he has created me in the image of God. He had purposes and plans before the foundation of this world. This is kind of what people call my life verse. Someone even made it into a plaque for my living room: “Search me and know me.” 

Kort: Adjacent to the theme of being known, I’d love to hear your thoughts on shame. That word comes up a lot in your story.

Gillespie: I came from a Christian home and loved Jesus since before I could even remember. I had heard about homosexuality, and anything I had heard about in the 80s and 90s was like, really bad. And so I concluded, and I say this in my book: something must be deeply wrong with me. That’s why I stayed silent for so long in my shame.

Kort: What could the church have done to make you feel less shame? Is there anything?

Gillespie: When I eventually came back to church later in life, I would have expected people to say, “Hey, Kyla, we know you from your teenage years. Do you want to talk with us, or go for coffee?” They could see me with my girlfriend. They saw me transition, but no one talked about it. People were just watching me walk right off the cliff. It wasn’t until I met BJ and Jess and the leadership [at God Rock Church] that I found people who cared enough to actually love me. And the most loving thing they could do was speak truth into my life. When I learned that I could come with all my junk, all my shame, all my pain, and just be with God, I finally knew that I wasn’t too far gone for God to reach me.  

Kort: I was struck in your book by the open doors of your friends. What can the church do to show love in a very practical and embodied way?

Gillespie: There were no detransitioners clubs or popular groups that were detransitioning at that time.

It was a lot to deal with on my own: I had to tell my landlords that I’m actually biologically female and their kids can’t call me Brycen anymore. What about my job? My birth certificate, my care card and everything says male. And then I had to get off testosterone and start estrogen. There was about a year of drastic changes. I didn’t like to ask for help, but I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. But Jess, one of my friends from church, offered me a place to live for no cost. 

The tangible resources we have can help bring someone to Christ. It doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything with the person we’re walking with. It just means that we have to show them the love of Christ.

Kort: I’m wondering if you have any friends who are Christians, but who have a progressive sexual ethic? Do you find a way to agree to disagree with those folks?

Gillespie: I don’t have a lot of affirming people that I walk with. I pray for it. I want those conversations because they’re real and raw. I’m willing to hear your viewpoint, and I hope you’re willing to hear mine. And then let’s talk theology. Let’s go through the Bible together. Let’s open up the Word of God. 

Kort: Do you think Christians need to understand more about the experience of gender dysmorphia and being trans?

Gillespie: Absolutely. I think that Christians should be the most educated people there are. We’re in the middle of a huge cultural and paradigm shift. And we need to educate ourselves before the world educates us. Even if you don’t experience gender dysphoria or same sex attraction. Put yourself in their shoes. 

Kort: When you were living as Brycen, how important was it to you that people use the right pronouns and name?

Gillespie: It meant a lot to me. I already passed as male when I came back to church. So when I shared, I poured out my heart to them and shared my story. If they had said to me, “We can’t call you Brycen or he anymore,” I probably would have walked out and maybe never come back. It’s not that they affirmed everything that I was walking in. They had never walked with anyone like this before, but they asked themselves, “How do we love this person?” As soon as my friends heard my story, they said, “We’re going to need so much grace because we’ve never walked this road before, and we’re gonna mess up.” Can you imagine a Christian telling someone, “I’m not perfect?” That goes a long way. That’s when I realized: I’m going to mess up so much, too. So I asked for the grace to be extended to me. I knew I was going to get defensive and say things that I didn’t mean. We decided that no matter how hard it gets, we’re always going to come back to each other.

Kort: That seems like such a good practice in so many contexts.

Gillespie: I believe God calls us to reconcile. Sometimes the person doesn’t want to hear it, and they might say, “Never talk to me again.” And that hurts because we’ve put ourselves out there and invested.

Kort: I can see why you’re so motivated to reach people with your story.

Gillespie: I always pray for just the one. If this book was meant just for one person, I just want that one person to know that they’re not alone. That they have value and God loves them no matter what. 

This interview is edited for clarity and length.