Healing heartbreak

This past Spring, I read Let Your Heartbreak be Your Guide: Lessons in Engaged Contemplation by Episcopal priest Adam Bucko. I considered my life and saw that my heart had been repeatedly broken. I revised the question to: What is my greatest heartbreak? It didn’t take long for the answer to emerge – my failings as a mother were my greatest heartbreak. I contacted my adult children and told them I’d read the book and found my greatest heartbreak was in my failings as their mother, and proposed that I spend two months with each of them. Within twenty-four hours, they said “yes” and were looking forward to my time with them.

I gave away most of my furniture and other larger items and put my remaining belongings into storage. I was grateful to Creator God for the opportunity to do repair work with my children and to spend time with their families. My journey of repair began in Victoria on Vancouver Island, where my youngest son taught me that my time with him was about reconnection rather than repair, as he reminded me that I’d apologized and had been accountable and responsible for my shortcomings. Now, I live in a 28-foot 2006 RV in an RV park in Terrace, B.C. This is my journey of accepting the love of my children and forgiving myself. But most importantly, my journey has been about learning to listen to Truth and to see what needs to be seen and to hear what needs to be heard.

This is my journey of accepting the love of my children and forgiving myself.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps The Score, states that trauma changes the brain in three ways. First, “The threat perception is enhanced, so that people see danger where other people see manageable stuff.” Second, the brain’s filtering system, which helps “distinguish between what’s relevant right now and what can be dismissed gets messed up, making it difficult to engage with everyday situations.” Third, the self-sensing system “gets blunt, which is a defensive response,” which leads to habitual behaviours that numb the sensing system. Research validates that trauma changes the brain. As both a trauma survivor and clinician, learning this not only relieves a sense of shame but also explains the loss of our authentic self when we survive traumatic experiences. As King David wrote, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well” (Ps. 139:14). I’ve heard that forgiving oneself is the most difficult act, and I’ve experienced this to be true. Forgiveness and love are inseparable. Learning to forgive myself is learning to love myself.

Intergenerational trauma

My inability to forgive myself in the past two decades was not because I did not believe that Creator God loves me, but because the shame that held me captive was validated by my inability to change the involuntary reactions which had helped me to survive a childhood of incest. My healing journey began in 1989 when my eldest daughter, who was seven at the time, courageously told the truth of being a victim of my father’s sexually abusive behaviour. The truth of incest in my family of origin shattered all delusional reality of an upright family. The dark secret of incest was in the open, and because my children were now victims of the horror, I chose to confront my father and to abide by truth-telling from that moment forward. Children led the way. My eldest daughter accepted and believed that I would help her, that my openness and yielding to her vulnerability with gentleness would bring about the safety she needed. I learned from the faith of a child.

It has taken fifteen years to stop self-destructive patterns and to follow the narrow pathway of redemption. The actions required to live a life of freedom were supported by Neurofeedback therapy, Deep Brain Reorienting therapy and land-based ceremonial cleansing ways. These are the stepping stones that have brought me this far and continue to help me choose Creator God’s will and not mine.

Teachings and actions

The following three teachings in Buddhism are known as the three jewels: the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha. Following the teachings of Christ, the three teachings are to me: First, connection with Creator God and the complete work of Christ, the Master Shape Shifter. Two, studying the Word. Three, interconnectedness with others on the narrow pathway of redemptive healing to wholeness.

In 2013, I vowed to follow the teachings of Christ and to turn away from childhood conditioning that continuously led to suffering and shame.

The following actions continue to be necessary on the journey of redemptive freedom: Accepting the atrocities of the past, no longer in a way that excuses wrongdoing or tries to cover it up, not blaming or hating, but admitting powerlessness to change the past. Believing that he truly is the Way, the Truth and the Life and that I am loved by Creator God and helped by the Spirit of Christ. Ongoing truth-telling to myself, to Creator God and to others. Openness to his guidance, however it may come. And, yielding to love that lets go of habitual suffering behaviours.

In the past six months, I’ve come to learn that his ways certainly are not my ways and that waking each morning knowing that I’m loved beyond measure is the safety and sense of belonging I have sought my entire life. I have bird feeders hanging close to my tiny home, a wood stove especially designed for RVs, and I see daily the impact of my living on my immediate environment. Living as a nomad teaches me to stay connected with nature, with changes in the weather and the comings and goings of the seasons. It is a blessing to live each and every day with the deep knowledge that his love is more than sufficient.

You can contact Patricia [email protected] or visit her website to see her artwork.