Down but not defeated

Steel-grey clouds cluttered the sky as I drove, interrupted only by a few scattered patches of bright blue. On the distant horizon shafts of rain plunged straight down from heaven to earth. In the rear-view mirror, far behind me, the sun shone, growing weaker with every mile I travelled. Typical autumn weather in Ontario – and not unlike my life at the moment.

Our summer began with a bang. Literally. As we rode at highway speeds a careless driver pulled directly into our path, leaving us just seconds to react. Both of our motorcycles were destroyed. Miraculously, Jack and I walked away with only cuts and bruises. A few aches and pains linger now, along with the psychological impact, such as the hyper-vigilance that often affects accident victims. (We see potential hazards everywhere.)

Weariness sets in

Summer vacation plans were scuttled. Jack attended physio twice a week. I wrangled with a less-than-cooperative insurance company. In the end, they paid us a fair settlement, but it wasn’t without reams of forms, countless phone calls and endless emails. For me, it added insult to injury. Despite the German blood coursing through my veins, I’m really not much of a warrior. The whole process dragged me down.

Aside from that, we waded through some difficult family matters, plus the usual day-to-day vexations attached to the business of farming. A relaxing ride to clear my head was no longer an option. Weariness set in – dull and pervasive. Dew glistening on the lawn, crickets singing in the evening, a steaming cup of freshly brewed coffee or a hundred other little pleasures all lost their glow. Everything became painfully mundane.

Depression – I don’t say it easily. I was raised in a household where it was simply not permissible. “Depressed” people were considered self-indulgent whiners. Put on a happy face and drive on. Needless to say, I spent a good chunk of my teen years in my room.

It’s not linear

While I’m not particularly prone to depression, I have been stuck in the doldrums periodically. I’ve learned a few things along the way. First off, I’m not unique. Many (most?) people have similar experiences at various times of life. There can be different causes – some physical, some circumstantial or seasonal. Depending on the cause(s), medication and/or counselling may be necessary. Prolonged or severe depression always warrants serious attention. All depression is spiritual because we cannot separate mind and body.

As a young Christian, I felt depression was a slight against God. Then I started earnestly reading my Bible, especially Psalms. Saints through the ages have struggled with discouragement and despair. Martin Luther was no stranger to depression. His advice? Pray, read or sing. I might not feel like doing any of those things. And yet, feelings are precisely the problem.

Might as well pour it all out to the Lord. He knows. He understands. Depression can prompt soul searching and spark childlike trust in God to walk me through it. What better place could I be? Like grieving, it’s not a linear process. Still, God builds character through perseverance.
When you find yourself enduring the day rather than embracing it, remember this – you are not alone and sorrow does not last forever.

Joy does!