CC’s Enemy Pen Pals report back
A pilot project launched last summer shows readers have more in common and less to fight about.
Last August, Christian Courier (CC) began a pilot project called Enemy Pen Pals. The plan was to connect CC readers who may disagree on a few key issues and invite them into regular correspondence with each other – the goal being not consensus but empathy. An open invitation went out in August, and by early September, a dozen brave souls had signed up to participate. They agreed to three months of correspondence via email or snail mail, which wrapped up just before Christmas.
“Take time to get to know each other,” project guidelines said, “as you explore this question: How can we live in community, given that we don’t agree?”
An outline of expectations, goals, suggested opening questions and a word of caution prohibiting aggression was sent out to all participants, along with a blessing for the conversations that would follow.
The pen pals who signed up ranged in age from 18 to 88, with political views from across the spectrum. Some were new subscribers to CC whereas others have been reading the publication for more than 60 years. As the project came to completion, I sent participants a short survey asking how things had gone. It was heartening to hear that more than half of the pairs had communicated an average of seven times, and that everyone had interacted at least once per month. Ninety percent agreed with the comment: “Both of us put the same amount of effort into corresponding.”
When asked whether their Enemy Pen Pal was kind, curious, respectful and ready to listen, the answers were unanimous: Yes.
“We soon figured out that we had a lot in common, so it wasn’t difficult,” one person said. “We ended up inviting each other to visit if travelling to the other’s province,” another added.
Shared grief
Many pen pals found they were both grieving divisions in the Christian Reformed Church (CRC). “Much of our communication was sharing the pain we feel for the church we love and our prayers for it,” one participant said.
“We quickly moved past stereotypes,” another said, even though “initially my being a pastor in the CRC [brought] some baggage.” A separate correspondence ended when one pen pal realized that, “for my own spiritual and physical well-being, I need to spend less time preoccupied by the state of my church. […] It hurts too much.”
From what I could tell as project convener, these kinds of difficult admissions were treated with great gentleness and care – and occasionally prayer. At least one participant “still prays daily for the denomination.”
Participant feedback
Many Enemy Pen Pals said they appreciated learning about their correspondent’s life experiences and perspectives. Forty-five percent said they intend to keep in touch in the future, with several making plans to meet in person. Nearly everyone who participated seemed content with the outcome, though one recurring critique was having too much in common! It’s hard to tell whether this is a result of a small sample size, self-selection or in fact some indication that the project was successful. If the pilot project is repeated, “stronger differences should be sought out,” one person advised, while another said, “I did not have to get out of my comfort zone to understand my pen pal’s convictions.” A few people did not appreciate the casual use of the word “enemy.”
Shortly before launching this project, I spoke with a representative of Shalem Mental Health Network, experts in restorative practices, to get some advice. “There is more polarization than before,” the Shalem staff member agreed. “Certain topics have divided communities.” Respectful conversation “is not a silver bullet,” but it can help build relationships and understanding.
“What surprised me, happily, was the strength of [my pen pal’s] passion and her commitment to be of service to the world she is entering,” one pen pal said. “We decided immediately to be friends, not enemies. To see each other as fellow travellers on the wonder-filled journey called life, even though in age we are 64 years apart.”
“This was a creative undertaking and an enriching experience,” another pen pal concluded. “Thank you!”
I participated, but not in a formal way. I was blessed to be able to connect with Curt Gesch, writer and commenter here, at the urging of your original article. I took the “enemy” language as colloquial and certainly do not view Curt as an enemy.
Curt and I went back and forth twenty-some times between then and now. I would say that Curt and I talked more about shared commitments and interests than we did differences, although our different perspectives and emphases were also apparent. We took opportunities to challenge each other in our own ways. Curt is a naturally welcoming person (in my judgment), so I found the conversation to flow fairly effortlessly.
There is likely a low probability that Curt’s path and mine will cross in person, but if that ever happens, I think I will feel like I’m greeting a long-lost friend. Curt, thanks for the conversation.